From The Archives: This Weight Is A Gift

Bruises on my hands from being held so tight I must have thought I was losing myself.  Marching around so confident but I’m just a scared little girl looking to be saved just like the others I know that parade around wearing their insecurity on their sleeve.  Waking up alone and naked to stare at my ceiling for an hour before my day begins and I reflect on my rapid ups and downs wondering who will peek through my window of duality.   My phone call log looks more like a manic punch line rather than hospitable hellos. Another morning of fearing that my tongue misbehaved and hoping my words collapse without a ripple.  Worrying starts to hurt.

Disappointment weaves my soul and leaves only a few crucial moments to prevent the darkness of my storm cloud but my masochist wind breaks open my veins releasing my solace in disease.  It’s my cycle and I peddle faster down hill because eventually the momentum will fade and I don’t even know how to coast but I envy those that can enjoy the breeze.

My chest hurts, my liver hurts, my lungs hurt, my heart must hurt and when expressing doesn’t carry much weight and treading lightly becomes too difficult I suppose we all lose our charm.  Maybe we’re all held back by something.  Life gets tiring, love gets harder, innocence gets taken or lost along the way, purpose gets misplaced, people come and go, and sometimes my words tend to get stuck between my lips, but I know what I know; no one stole my soul.

Long tails, Short tails, and assholes…

I’ve created snazzy excel-imported powerpoint charts to show the Long Tails of both front and back catalogue Music Videos, so that business decisions could be made.  It got me thinking about applying the same to my own life–the long tails of both my happiness and sadness catalogue, if you will—just to see how the graph would look. 


Off the top of my head, without any statistical method of course, I could probably tell you that sadness may have the longest tail in the line graph.  However, the prior short tails–happiness in this case—have seemingly and most recently turned into a long tail due to age-driven maturity and circumstance-bearing innovation. It could very prove that my happiness (front catalogue), which is of course contingent upon the data range, has caused a shift in the demand curve of sadness (back catalogue).  


There must be certain rules to distinguish between like since I have no recollection of my birth, does it start there or does it start with my first happy or sad moment? Starting at birth itself could have it’s own humpty-hump graph on the happiness and sadness of my own birth throughout these highs and lows, or could even be bar graphed within the same chart dependent upon the peaks and valleys of the line graph.  Although, it seems to me to be pretty common sense that within peaks my happiness bar graph of birth would be nearing off the charts, while within the valleys the sadness bars could more or less be something short of killed.  I’m not really in the business of misdiagnosed Bipolar, so I’ll spare myself the Graph of My Birth. 


Of course then you have to figure out the distribution of this booger, and I’m a lazy asshole that isn’t going to try and read up on normal distribution and probability distribution for analogy’s sake. Also, factoring in my mood, which isn’t always consistent, there isn’t a great deal of reliability in this experiment. 


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