A calling card charged to career

A coworker stopped me in the elevator bank at work and told me that I seem to be extremely unhappy, at least according to Facebook.  I did?  What did he mean?  When I asked, he mentioned unhappy as it related to work and explained how surprised he was to realize this because, personally, I seemed to be happy by nature.  My prior twelve-year battle with depression notwithstanding, I am happier than ever.  Was I really projecting my career discontent into the world?  GASP, had I truly become the type of person I loathe – a disgruntled employee?

Perhaps my burnout a few weeks back is the culprit of this negative status updating during the weekdays.  Although, I stand by my most recent update that weekends SHOULD be longer.  Nonetheless, I suppose I could be marinating in career apathy since the burnout.  One tremendous realization, thanks to burnout, was that this career was not my ‘calling’ but merely a ‘job’.  In that moment of realization, while freeing, you have a choice to jump ship for a new frontier or continue along the same peaks and valleys in the vehicle of responsibility.  Being as tenacious as I am, I’ve chosen the latter, but not indefinitely.  I’m looking to turn this burnout experience into a transformational experience.

What is my calling?  If you come here then you already know…to connect through writing.

My wife is the type of person that is  good at a lot of different things – almost everything – but not exceptional in just one thing.  I’m average at best at everything – below average in most – except writing.  Had my ego not taking me on a roller-coaster in the entertainment industry, I could have very well been the Nicholas Sparks of fiction.  But, my gut listened because this path led me through experiences that I wouldn’t have experienced in the four-walls that housed a computer.  I was out living my fiction and treading heavily through wonderful chaos.  Maybe I spent too much time carving out a space in an industry that doesn’t respect me or better my life in any way other than financially, but I accomplished my childhood goals.  I set out into the world and did exactly what I said I was going to do.  Goals I couldn’t do in my thirties and dreams I wouldn’t want for my thirties.  Goals that people said were unrealistic, but I proved them wrong.  Nonetheless, the fact remains that my purpose changed.  I don’t have anyone to prove a single thing to except myself, nor do I want to.  While my ego led me down a very intriguing road less traveled where I went off-roading on more than one occasion and slug some mud, I also rode that path hard and in the end ended up riding it with the best in the industry.  All of this was done, in perfect timing, so that I was young enough to sustain passion but not old enough to realize that one day we all sell our souls just a little.  Maybe veering away from my calling to carve out another career path was where I sold my soul, but I suppose struggling artists can only go so far before hunger sets.  I guess I just bought in low and thought I would sell high, but I’ve ridden the ups and fallen with the downs.  What’s riding for a bit longer when I do cash out it’ll be HUGE and to transition into my calling -writing.

Maybe I do seem unhappy to shift my focus to enabling others dreams and goals when what I really want to do is enable my own, but that’s what Sagittarius’ like me tend to do.  I’ll tell you one thing, though, once I pursue my calling there will be no stopping me.  By now, I’ve got an off-road vehicle that will leave most in the dust and I know how to use it.

Until then, I’ll work on happier status updates.

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