Do you ever have moments where you truly don’t know who you are? Almost like a sinister version of yourself doesn’t want sunshine or happiness to be in your life? Does everyone have this or am I currently what is considered lost?
Well, I hate this person and I’d like to make sure she doesn’t come around, but facing her is considerably frightening. Who is she? She’s been hanging around and trying to conjure up trouble around here. In fact, I remember her from back in the day except back then I thought she was the coolest part of me. She was a rebel, drinker, joker, adventurer, and drama queen. She was cocky, attractive, interesting, complex, and irresistibly flawed. She drew people in and could hang out with just about anyone, but she never could sustain anything with meaning. Is she my false self?
My false self always seemed so much more attractive and relevant before now. She hurt so many people who passed through my life, and I resent her for that. However, she was such an important part of my growth that I’m also very protective of her. Perhaps I also see this in others, which is why I’m so quick to forgive? My false self has no accountability much to the detriment of my true self, who is left with the blame and abysmal guilt.
Well, there doesn’t seem to be much room for both of us, and I’m far too old to hang out with my false self anymore. I should confront her one last time; truly I should send her on her way. You see, other people would say ‘kill her off’ but realistically I’m afraid I may be addicted to her, and her psychological prowess requires premeditated measures. Hence, this letter that serves as a vague pondering of the strength of my attachment to her and my ability, or lack thereof, to ignore her entirely. I’ll keep you updated on any progress.
If I know her, which I do, she’ll simply watch from afar and check in with me at times she thinks I miss her; opportunities to influence. All I can do is be true to myself and hope the charisma of my false self is never as real as the energy of my true self.
You mentioned your disappointment in my absence from ink, and between the lines of the letter you wrote you asked how I was. How’s this for a letter? Until next time…