Monkey Minds were not harmed in this blog post.

My therapist tries so hard to get me to admit that something…anything, really…hurts. I, of course, opt for closed-off buzz words like ‘annoyed’ and ‘disappointed.’ Those words that seem to ring with strength over weakness. She prods for my recognition of hurt as a feeling week-after-week, as I squirm in the uncomfortable lobby-like chair. Humanity’s friend, avoidance, kicks in but instead riddles me with trivial obsessive thoughts which is what brought me there in the first place. There, the sterile room with the only identifying element being the faux Van Gogh’s hanging on the wall. Her chair, the one I sit in, is uncomfortable and entirely impersonal…am I like her chair?

This monkey mind of mine has stuck around much longer than usual, and my true self stands outside the atrium knocking on the glass. I see you, I do, but I’m busy swinging from branch-to-branch. After all, it’s much more fun to climb trees than to fall to the ground.

The two women that know me best – my mom and wife – tell me frequently that I put more energy into those that don’t deserve it versus those that do. I wish I could say this wasn’t true, but it is and I know it. I suppose there are those times in life when you know exactly who you are, and insight and intuition are shining lights. Then there are times when you have to really work to see any light, and that’s when you change the batteries in the flashlight. It is then when words like ‘hurt’ lurk like a monster in the dark. I’ve never been scared of the dark, but after standing too close to monsters I do search for that flashlight.

It’s like REM sings, “Everybody Hurts Sometimes” and if I think about it…’hurt’ does sound more impactful, doesn’t it?

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One thought on “Monkey Minds were not harmed in this blog post.

  1. I used to listen to this song when we were searching for Jeffrey…you made me a mix tape remember? I drove around for hours alone with my pain, listening to this tape with all the songs you put on it…and in my mind they are all his songs. I like what it says “hold on”. Didn’t the end remind you of that postcard I used to have in my bible that scared you as a young child of the “rapture”? Lisa, loss, disappointment, death are all a part of life and you don’t need a therapist to tell you that…it helps to make you the person you end up being. You are strong, unafraid of most things, determined, and steadfast and your life has made you that way. You have learned alot of things the hard way but you have learned them well and you are such a responsible and intelligent person. Once you have mastered knowing that we don’t have to worry about things because “our master” has life all under control then you will be “enlightened”. Then you will stop over analyzing everything and just enjoy life as it is.

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