I Wish I Could Take This Back

If I could somehow take back something I did to someone, what would it be? Wow, talk about a loaded question. Two things come to mind rather quickly, holding their hands up saying “oh oh oh pick me” so I suppose I’ll focus my attention there.

They both occured in the same year, coincidentally. The year was 2001 and the world had not yet got involved.

It was January of 2001 and my brother, Jeffrey (whom I’ve talked about non-stop on my blog so you know who he is), started calling me in succession at all hours. In hindsight, as it always seems to be where I do my most logical thinking, he was alone and needed someone. I should have felt so privileged to be there for someone so incredible, but it felt more like a nuisance of a little brother taking up my precious selfish time. He needed me then, but life was so narrow and crowded at the time. Life had overwhelmed me into agoraphobic proportion and while I couldn’t call any of my actions sane at the time, I certainly never expected someone would truly need me. Alas, he did. The simple act of pressing ignore on his incoming call shouldn’t be so prominent, and under usual circumstances I suppose those moments would be forgotten. However, the very last call of his life – or at least on his cell phone bill – was to me and I distinctly remember ignoring it. I thought, “I’ll call him back” the first time it rang. By the second, I didn’t hesitate to press ignore as I walked out my door for class. The third and final call of his life I rolled my eyes, annoyed. If I could take back that day, I would have skipped my class and answered his call and talked to him for the rest of his life.

Fast Forward to 9/11 and beyond…the year of hell was nearly over. There was a friend, someone I had gotten to know more intimately than anyone will ever know. She was special and to this day the impact she had upon my life is unforgettable. She was there for me when I didn’t know who I was and pretending who I ought to be tested her very being. Nonetheless, her love never waivered and brought forth the unconditional. Yet, I was unformed and unresolved in life. I could have been true to my heart, but such things were foreign and compassion had not yet knocked at my numbly closed door. I should have wished her a happy birthday. I could have told her I loved her, truly I did. She should have known I felt the same, but I abandoned her just as easy as I abandoned my brother that year in 2001. I guess she may never know how she taught me to breathe when the entire world disappeared.

I may change the choices I made, but the regret I only feel through hoping they both know how instrumental they both were in teaching me the fundamental of love – compassion.

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4 thoughts on “I Wish I Could Take This Back

  1. i cried reading this; we trully don’t realize how just a moment of our time especially when we are in a hurry can mean so much to someone else. I try to remember that when I am around an old person in the nursing home or in their home…a lonely person who needs communication and socialization more so than a bath or physical things. It’s hard to slow down and just enjoy someone’s company or conversation.

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