Batman + Pepé Le Pew = Unrequited Love Prevention

Unrequited love…I never really thought, much, about the term until I, myself, experienced it.  Thinking back – as I often do – I suppose I do recall a few boys in high school that looked at me as their beloved.  It was always the boy that I could be myself around – bloodletting notwithstanding – and divulge my deepest of darkest secrets.  This, unfortunately, contributed more acutely to their desire.  The problem was that I didn’t recognize it due to my lack of formation in the arena of relationships.  I thought the boys genuinely wanted to be my friend.  It took a Batman movie to prompt a dear older pal of mine to muster up the kahunas to plant one on me – a kiss that is.  My gag reflex reacted not to keenly to the ballsy move, and he never really hung out with me again.  This, of course, led me into Harry’s school of thinking  – in When Harry Met Sally:

Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don’t.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You say I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I’m saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So, you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No. You pretty much want to nail ’em too.
Sally: What if THEY don’t want to have sex with YOU?
Harry: Doesn’t matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we’re not going to be friends then.
Harry: I guess not.
Sally: That’s too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

Enter college.  There was an alternative girl who waltzed into my music-obsessed life – back when music was still brick-and-mortar – and demanded to know me.  You would think, with such an interest, that the story would veer another direction but it was my first tango (alone, of course) with unrequited love.  I spent the entire semester memorizing her schedule and waiting, inconspicuously of course, for her.  She was convinced our random run-ins were part of the cosmos, not that I was the celestial navigator.  When she spoke I listened, more focused and concentrated than I was innately designed, and I became her confidant.  She revealed more to me than she could even admit to herself, and I absorbed her trust until she too saw blurred lines of friendship.  She confessed one night that she thought she was in love with me, and after our first girl-on-girl experience she never  spoke to me again.  After many attempts to hide my affections, the transparency of my heart sent her running for the hills…two round mounds…balls, actually…she got a boyfriend.  Like I said, you would think in this story I would have been at the receiving end of unrequited love.  Alas, I was the real life Pepé Le Pew.  However, many years later – upon her trek into AA – she called to face the demon and tell me she was in love with me.  Vindication, however late, still felt great. 

I don’t have a clever lesbian When Sherry Met Sally quote about how women and women can’t be friends, but I do know that wouldn’t stop a lesbian from trying (like Batman that kissed me that day in high school). 

Unrequited love prevention must be why they coined the phrases “dogs are man’s best friend” and “diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” 


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