I promised my mother that I would write this post. We had a lengthy phone conversation the other night that veered into somewhat of a spiritual commentary on growing up. I had mentioned how, at thirty-two, I finally felt free of my past and how I had changed to living in the present. Whether I had sought out those from my past that I had somehow hurt along the way or been hurt by and had dissolved the lingering karma of the relationships, or if I couldn’t – they weren’t to be found or whatever the reason – then I had come to terms with it and found closure. There wasn’t a single person that had passed through that I hadn’t fully experienced – for better or worse – and grown from and released whatever existed from that. Resolved to the now, and here I stood on equal footing ground to my karma.
I trust that life will take care of me even in the downward cycles in so long as I am evolving into the person I can become. If you’re doing that you’ll be able to roll with the punches. There was a specific period in my life – circa 2006 – when nothing seemed to be in my favor. I was reaping some hardcore karma that year with the discovery of my brother’s remains, the end of a three-year relationship, and living in NYC without a single relative or close friend. That year was tough, and to top it off I was wildly spending in the nightlife to overcompensate for my loneliness. I had a few holes in my pocket so-to-speak and all my money had fallen out of it. There were lots to worry about, certainly, but even at my lowest the universe would show me small signs of hope like the ten-dollar bill I would find amidst the overpopulated streets of NYC.
Signs, they are everywhere if you pay attention and let them guide you. I have a playing card thing…I find them, randomly, but yet nearly perfectly orchestrated to find them when I need to. My mom says God has a weird sense of humor, and this is evident when I find a playing card in the middle of the train tracks. Sure, it’s pull is strong and it means something to me. I consider jumping down into the track and swiping it up just to see what it needs to tell me but then I would probably get hit by a train. Instead, I trust that the world is sending me a sign…I don’t need to know what it is but I just need to have faith that everything will be okay. No longer am I foolish enough to jump into a train track for tangible proof – I’ve been ran over like that one too many times. Here and now, I just laugh inside and realize how far I’ve come and I trust that life is good even when it’s bad.