A coworker stopped me in the elevator bank at work and told me that I seem to be extremely unhappy, at least according to Facebook. I did? What did he mean? When I asked, he mentioned unhappy as it related to work and explained how surprised he was to realize this because, personally, I seemed to be happy by nature. My prior twelve-year battle with depression notwithstanding, I am happier than ever. Was I really projecting my career discontent into the world? GASP, had I truly become the type of person I loathe – a disgruntled employee?
Perhaps my burnout a few weeks back is the culprit of this negative status updating during the weekdays. Although, I stand by my most recent update that weekends SHOULD be longer. Nonetheless, I suppose I could be marinating in career apathy since the burnout. One tremendous realization, thanks to burnout, was that this career was not my ‘calling’ but merely a ‘job’. In that moment of realization, while freeing, you have a choice to jump ship for a new frontier or continue along the same peaks and valleys in the vehicle of responsibility. Being as tenacious as I am, I’ve chosen the latter, but not indefinitely. I’m looking to turn this burnout experience into a transformational experience.
What is my calling? If you come here then you already know…to connect through writing.
My wife is the type of person that is good at a lot of different things – almost everything – but not exceptional in just one thing. I’m average at best at everything – below average in most – except writing. Had my ego not taking me on a roller-coaster in the entertainment industry, I could have very well been the Nicholas Sparks of fiction. But, my gut listened because this path led me through experiences that I wouldn’t have experienced in the four-walls that housed a computer. I was out living my fiction and treading heavily through wonderful chaos. Maybe I spent too much time carving out a space in an industry that doesn’t respect me or better my life in any way other than financially, but I accomplished my childhood goals. I set out into the world and did exactly what I said I was going to do. Goals I couldn’t do in my thirties and dreams I wouldn’t want for my thirties. Goals that people said were unrealistic, but I proved them wrong. Nonetheless, the fact remains that my purpose changed. I don’t have anyone to prove a single thing to except myself, nor do I want to. While my ego led me down a very intriguing road less traveled where I went off-roading on more than one occasion and slug some mud, I also rode that path hard and in the end ended up riding it with the best in the industry. All of this was done, in perfect timing, so that I was young enough to sustain passion but not old enough to realize that one day we all sell our souls just a little. Maybe veering away from my calling to carve out another career path was where I sold my soul, but I suppose struggling artists can only go so far before hunger sets. I guess I just bought in low and thought I would sell high, but I’ve ridden the ups and fallen with the downs. What’s riding for a bit longer when I do cash out it’ll be HUGE and to transition into my calling -writing.
Maybe I do seem unhappy to shift my focus to enabling others dreams and goals when what I really want to do is enable my own, but that’s what Sagittarius’ like me tend to do. I’ll tell you one thing, though, once I pursue my calling there will be no stopping me. By now, I’ve got an off-road vehicle that will leave most in the dust and I know how to use it.
Until then, I’ll work on happier status updates.