Start Over, reset.

I was on the train…it’s where I do most of my thinking, nowadays.  The memory reel, turned and turned, revealing  beginnings and endings.  There were many, all types, really.  At any moment, and sometimes you know when it comes but most times you don’t, everything resets.  Yesterday you were this and today you’re that.  Then again, maybe we just catologue by beginnings and ends?  My journals, all twelve or so, are filed away by size but each and every one, a chapter in my life, catologued by who I was when it was started and ends in a shedding of skin into another life. 

If we’re stories, books made up of chapters that are made up of paragraphs that make up sentences out of words that have a literal and also an intended meaning, then every single word connects to have meaning.  I’ve been thinking of words a lot lately, which makes sense as I’m a writer, yeah I know.  Moreover, words–writen and spoken–which express a connection.  If we’re souls, what we do is made up of  intentions that have different meanings depending upon how it’s funneled to us (the mind or the heart), so every moment is made of choice.  I’ve been thinking a lot about choices lately,which typically means I’m over thinking, yeah I know. Moreover, choices–from the mind or heart–affect connection.  So much connection that you would think it would be impossible to get lonely and become isolated, but you do.  Alone, it’s how we die (see, I do talk about it a lot), but also it’s how we know the value of connection.  There is a comfortableness in loneliness that at times lets you be exactly who you are without influence, and often times what comes out of it is a great understanding.  I did my best writing during those times, I confess.

Concrete, okay I’m moving away from the abstracts now….

My first journal starts around the time I dropped out of college, went to New York with $60 bucks in my pocket, ended up in Dallas, Texas with my tail between my legs, and after all the fun ended I headed back to the beginning (college, which I DID graduate from with a B.A. in Journalism & Broadcasting).  I do want to mention that I was actually the singer/bass player in a psychedelic band during this time…psychedelic because we didn’t truly know how to play (and trust me, you don’t want to hear the demos of me singing).  Just a little tidbit that not many of you know.

Another journal is spot-on college life, sporadic ramblings that are either too philosophical to read less than twice or too many pages devoted to confusion, and funny to read about how I thought I had it all figured out.  I was the most foolish, but yet my mind was the sharpest. 

There’s the tragic journal, the one I still can’t go back and read for fear of wanting a do-over, that I probably worked the hardest on so that I could, start a new journal (start over).

You get the point, I have a lot of journals and they all symbolize a beginning and a beginning’s end, start over, reset, just like the reel-to-reels in my head.


3 thoughts on “Start Over, reset.

  1. Lisa, where did we get this desire to make journals. I was given my first one about 25 yrs. ago by my coworker Pat Simpson and since then I have kept one. There was a few years that I had to mark through some things for fear of someone finding them and knowing of a past indiscretion. Then I decided what the heck, who cares, everyone makes a mistake now and again. But I did learn never write anything about someone that could cause irrepairable harm and leave laying around for someone to read. I did that once about 25 yrs. ago and it did some harm believe me. I love the way you write…you and I do tend to live in the past; I love to read thru my journals and it takes me right back to that time in my life. Sometimes I think “man was I a dumb ass!” ha.

  2. My friend –Danna –and I had a journal/letter burning party not long ago. Mostly cause we are getting old and didn’t want others to read our journals when we die but it turned out to be great fun. We read to each other and laughed about what seemed to be important in the past and burned them all. It was such a release of the past.

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