At about 140 pages, adjectives start to repeat themselves and it got me thinking…after about 35,000 words don’t we all start repeating ourselves? The thing about writing is that you can’t stay silent, and the art isn’t in the pauses like in music. You can’t really listen to anyone other than yourself, and your pseudo multiple personalities (that are more aptly called ‘characters’ to make us feel less insane) cannot speak for themselves.
I’ve been rehashing, objectively of course, past mistakes and how I could have handled them better. Hindsight 20/20 as it’s called. I’ve prided myself on my new age thinking of no regrets, lessons learned, growth happens from failure more so than winning, etc., so this is especially confusing. Spinner, my therapist, tells me it’s coming up because it was never fully resolved. This is probably the case because you see my resolving hierarchy started more like an upside-down triangle in which I fell into its abyssal downtrend and tried to swim up. Thankfully when I was five-ish my father, from the school of hard knocks, gave me swimming lessons. After he threw me into the creek and yelled “swim” from the edge of the ravine, I gargled the dirty Oklahoma water and got somewhat control of my flailing arms enough to beat the water underneath me so that I did not drown. Apply this swimming lesson, attach it as a pattern, and use it in adulthood.
Luckily, my mom paid for real swimming lessons and it was much less painful. Apply this swimming lesson, attach it to my paycheck, and use it in adulthood.
All parentage influence aside, sometimes regret stems from a past action that does quite align with who you’ve become and a desire to return and change it for a more desired outcome that’s more closely associated to who you are now. If you’re lucky you get this type of rare closure, but if you’re in the majority then you have to be okay with your old self’s actions so that your new self can accept it. Once I realize I can’t return to the source of the regret and make it right, I have no choice but to learn to accept the regret and grow from it as to not make the same mistakes again.
Unlike the characters I create, the aspects of my personality magnified, I know the story before they do and I control its outcome. Symbols of my life, overarching theirs, repeat adjectives and all.