This morning I cried in the shower. I felt in coming on while I was downstairs in the kitchen when the what if monster entered my mind. Specifically, I was perusing the photos of my late brother’s ex fiancee and it was photos of her children that really caught me off guard. It was truly like a bus landed on me.
“What if these little girls were my nieces?”
That simple question sawed me to the bone as I looked deeply into the photos for any semblance of my brother, but these were not his children. This was not his life, and this world no longer belonged to him. After I crawled from under the bus, I took a shower.
There are a million what if’s in the day, but when one like this latches on it really makes your world spin. Like a domino effect, my unsettled soul lashed out at my dog that had dragged cat litter onto my freshly-made bed and then onward to work I went. You see where this is going, right?
Now that I’ve swallowed the permanent lump in my throat named Jeffrey, at least for today, I felt another sadness for his ex fiancee. Within the same year (2001) she lost her first love in January and her birthday celebration forever changed on September 11th. That particular year was a tough one for us, and it lasted for five years.
It was strange to accept her Facebook request and see she had grown up, but Jeffrey will be forever young. Time, disproportionate as it seemed, had moved on without him in more ways than one. What if he could see it now?
I found another 2 of hearts playing card in the bustling Penn Station, a commuter hub, and as I picked it up below a man’s rushed step I knew Jeffrey was sending me love. I guess disproportionate time is a reminder of what my finite existence here in this life cannot understand; the infinite.
My brother’s love is infinite, and I don’t expect the what if monster to leave but I suspect he showers me from above when my tears become words the heart can’t express.