Resolution Road

The moment resolution hits, the epiphanous revelation, it smacks you first back into yesterday before it smacks you again into tomorrow.  Yesterday is clearer the second time around, and seeing it from another perspective sears your heart before it tickles your wonderment.  Tiny shiny holes, not yet patched, spouting years of tears from slow leaks all this time.  Slow leaks eventually become puddles, and tiny holes eventually rip to expose the inner workings of a torn vessel.  Perhaps I could have prevented its rupture and maybe it should have been patched a long time ago, but I had always thought what doesn’t break completely can be ignored. 

 Reflection can easily seduce you; turn you on to another problem and send you goose chasing for years.  Abandonment, it’s easy to leave one for another when you’re incapable of wading through the mud and grime in the abyss of despair.  Your parents never fully prepared you, now did they?  Flirt with their involvement long enough and you forget to answer why you’ve started there.  So you get a flashlight, but there’s so much to see that the light becomes blinding and close your eyes to what you could see to focus on the daily.  Instant gratification to rape your soul, it’s much more pleasurable once you’ve realized you don’t have to drown and can breathe standing on someone else’s shoulders.  Loneliness, it comes in waves, sucking you back under to witness the corpse.  Sink or swim, what’s underwater will haunt you. 

 Before you know it, you’re on land.  Saved, it’s a miracle, cough the water from your lungs and breathe.  This person, your hero, and now you’re afraid to swim, afraid of any water that comes near.  They tell you to start slow, ease yourself back into where you almost drowned.  Reflection, the mistress, she’ll be waiting for her turn to seduce you and you’ll be seduced many times before she’s bored of you, tired of figuring something out.  She’ll send you on your way to resolution, a new town full of everyone you’ve ever known.  Hello’s are met one-by-one and you walk along the same path, but you only have a short distance in their shoes before it hits you, it’s your journey and they were just passing through.

Happy Thanksgiving World.

I’m grateful for much; family, friends, pets, opportunities and disappointment.  I’m thankful for those not with me, today.  I’ve learned from you in more ways than you’ll ever know.  I wish you all the happiness today and the closeness of family. 

The World Around Us Disappeared.

 

Those words you wrote,

The words I read,

You bled between the lines,

I’m a slow learner, stubborn you know,

Of course you knew,

Wordsmiths, we were,

You knew I’d catch bloodletting,

In the inflections once I reflect,

Notes we wrote when the world disappeared,

They didn’t outlast life,

But I held on to the one I recently read,

You were a great writer,

Much better than I,

You’ll deny, I know this about you,

Behind the text,

Behind the disguise,

The research,

The creativity,

When the vice downgraded to habit,

And habit to memory,

You kept your promise for no contact,

Your will I never doubt,

My will, wishy-washy,

I would have damaged us more,

The earth cracked,

I fell in,

Never to hear from you again,

You kept your word,

Now I keep mine,

We were never separate entities,

It just took me time,

I’m sorry I took a sledgehammer to your heart,

Pulled out your guts,

Vindictive as I was,

I meant more than I had done,

Wherever you are,

Whoever you are,

You’ve inspired me.

Mutual closure.  Full stop.

 

**This is the prologue to my Women’s Fiction, Romance, book.**

Creative Gunpowder

Triggers, and I’m at the other end of the gun. Inspiration ceased by one viewing of a movie that has me second-guessing my own talent. My history, struggle until plateau, never has served me champagne. Why waste my time writing a hundred-thousand words that only matter to me, and will probably never reach any of you. Compared to stories that generated 72M in one single day, I’m just a pipe dream.

Pull it back, I’m headed into creative overdrive. Hope and passion fuel the dream, and I’ll pursue it relentlessly until the trigger drops. With enough gunpowder to dirty my fingers, I’ve murdered security. I’m merely wounded, but I’ll survive because people like me have to fight harder than the weaponless.

Unable to predict the pulling of the hammer, I run as far as I can until the click of the trigger turns me into Pavlov’s dog, except I’m no longer being fed.

Justice for Jeffrey

Mom pleads for justice in son’s mysterious death.

Two reasons why I would follow Jack White ANYWHERE!

What If Monster (2 of Hearts)

This morning I cried in the shower.  I felt in coming on while I was downstairs in the kitchen when the what if monster entered my mind.  Specifically, I was perusing the photos of my late brother’s ex fiancee and it was photos of her children that really caught me off guard.  It was truly like a bus landed on me.

“What if these little girls were my nieces?”

That simple question sawed me to the bone as I looked deeply into the photos for any semblance of my brother, but these were not his children.  This was not his life, and this world no longer belonged to him.  After I crawled from under the bus, I took a shower.

There are a million what if’s in the day, but when one like this latches on it really makes your world spin.  Like a domino effect, my unsettled soul lashed out at my dog that had dragged cat litter onto my freshly-made bed and then onward to work I went.  You see where this is going, right?

Now that I’ve swallowed the permanent lump in my throat named Jeffrey, at least for today, I felt another sadness for his ex fiancee.  Within the same year (2001) she lost her first love in January and her birthday celebration forever changed on September 11th.  That particular year was a tough one for us, and it lasted for five years.

It was strange to accept her Facebook request and see she had grown up, but Jeffrey will be forever young.  Time, disproportionate as it seemed, had moved on without him in more ways than one.  What if he could see it now?

I found another 2 of hearts playing card in the bustling Penn Station, a commuter hub, and as I picked it up below a man’s rushed step I knew Jeffrey was sending me love.  I guess disproportionate time is a reminder of what my finite existence here in this life cannot understand; the infinite.

My brother’s love is infinite, and I don’t expect the what if monster to leave but I suspect he showers me from above when my tears become words the heart can’t express.

Today I thought of my brother

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.  ~Kahlil Gibran

 

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Graphic Work

Hi Hyperbole readers,

Just giving a quick shout out to Lisa Ackley.  She did the great graphic work for two of my projects and she’s for hire (anywhere, anytime).  Click on her name, which I hyperlinked should you need any graphic work and tell her I sent you.

Thanks!!!

 

 

Girl Ass Kicker.